While listening to the radio the other day I heard a story that really resonated with me. The story was about a women who received a huge complement about how her children had turned out so well. Instead of smiling and saying thank you, the woman turned very somber and said “Yes, but I lost myself in the process.”
My emotions rose to the surface, I related 100%.
Even though my children are still young there was a time I was completely lost in diapers, laundry, spit up and bottles. There was a time I felt like I was placed on earth just to care for my family and I was stuck in a never ending rut.
I started questioning my role as a stay at home mother. I started thinking how I badly I wanted a life of my own and how this job was taking everything and leaving me nothing in return.
This was no one’s fault. It wasn’t my beautiful children; it wasn’t my husband (who loved me very very much).
No, I was caught in a mind rut and I was the only one who could save myself.
I’m gonna get real honest here for a moment. Real honest.
I blamed my kids for the horrible rut I was in. I thought, “If only I didn’t have kids, life would be so much easier.”
I wrote these heavy words out and I hated myself for them.
What kind of mother am I?
Those words still weigh heavy on my heart, the fact that I even thought that. But I know I am not the first nor the last to feel lost and broken.
Being a mother breaks us down, but we can also allow it to build us up.
Once I saw those words on paper I knew I had to change. I wanted to change! I would not be this broken woman wishing and wanting a different life.
I loved my children so very much! This had nothing to do with them and everything to do with me. How could I let myself sink so low?
I knew this was a sinful mindset and I knew I needed God’s help and restoration to heal me.
I needed to escape these thoughts but first I had to identify all these feelings so I could learn to overcome them. It was hard to take that look inside. It was hard to see all the ugly, but I needed too. I needed to so I could pray and ask for help and forgiveness.
I came to the realization that I needed something for me. I needed something I could work on that wouldn’t leave me feeling tired or broken anymore. I needed a goal, a target, a plan. Something I could pour myself into and make a positive difference.
Thus began my “find me” journey.
I started by going through all my options. To work away from home meant I would need to put our kids in daycare. I absolutely did not want to go this route. I was not going to put my children in daycare just so I could go back to a 9-5 job. If I did, I would be working solely to pay for the daycare and that wouldn’t put me or my family ahead by any means. Not to mention I wanted to raise my children. I didn’t want to miss a moment of their growing up! So working from home was my next and only option.
I searched Craigslist for work at home jobs and found scam after scam and things that sounded to good to be true.
Reaching out from the walls of my homes was something I was aching to do. One evening my mother suggested I start up blog and write about me and my family.
My mother and sister had their own blogs. They made it seem fun and a little challenging at times so I thought “what the heck!” and I did it. And it was fun!
I started blogging about my kids and what being a stay at home mom was like. I shared funny stories and stuff about building our new house. It felt good to write and share. It was fun to organize my own blog and fill it with stories of us.
I was finding my niche and starting to feel a little better… Continue readying part 2 HERE.